so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
