Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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