I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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