Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
