A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
