I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
