I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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