there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This is the high leading the old right now
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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