Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
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We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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