just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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