Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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