I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
