I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
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Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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