im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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