you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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