I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
