1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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