That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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