i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
