If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
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You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
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I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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