did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
