I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
