There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
