I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
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If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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