I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
