Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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