the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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