well I can't set my house on fire every night
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
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I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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