Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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