She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
