he wants to bone in the snuggie
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
smell my finger.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
