R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
