she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
