you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
