My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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