I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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