I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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