and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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