He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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