Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
