then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
