my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
