apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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