I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
