dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
