Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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