If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
