Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
