nut hugger
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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