Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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