I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
