Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
