She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
