it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
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