If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
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Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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