my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
