So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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