Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
