how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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