I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
