my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
